Let's talk about life. Life is a beautiful, hectic, chaotic, delightful bitch. It's filled with excitement, angst, joy, anger, fulfillment, emptiness, clarity, confusion, happiness, sadness, love and heartbreak.
I'm stuck in the not so beautiful parts of this life right now.
What this life is teaching me is that life is unpredictable. That there are going to be times where the floor falls out beneath you, and that all your plans evaporate. That there will be times where you can't breathe, where you don't understand, and when your heart is broken. And through all that, it probably won't make an ounce of sense. That's where I'm at right now.
I haven't been blogging (or really pursuing any of my hobbies lately) because truthfully, I'm a mess. An emotional, confused shell of the happy, optimistic and light girl I was. Goodness I miss that girl. And I'm doing everything I can to get her back (that photo below? One day).
Since November, the changes have been nonstop. I spent long weekends at home surrounded by family, trying to heal. I moved out of our old apartment and in with one of my closest friends. I became a single dog mom and my heart is bursting with love for that little pup. I got a new job with CorePower and moved into a bigger role at a new studio. I started to put myself back out there, meeting new people and trying new things.
Slowly, I'm picking up the pieces. And instead of figuring out exactly where they went before, I'm taking a moment to look at myself, and my life, as a whole.
Who am I? What do I want? Where am I at? What do I need? What will fulfill me?
I don't have these answers (really, any of them). What I do know is that my life is in complete fluctuation, and I'm hoping that's OK for now. This year isn't going to be the year I planned, not a single part of it. The path I thought I was going on, the path I had planned and envisioned, hit a hard dead end. I'm in the process of heading back, and choosing a different fork in the road.
A better fork. A way fucking better fork.
I'm turning this year into a year of things for me. A year of self-discovery, a year of new challenges and experiences, a year of appreciating the little things, a year of growth and a year of healing. I'm going to travel, try new things, actively pursue things that scare me. I'm going to be impulsive, irrational, reckless and not apologize for any of it. I'm going to fall, fail, pick myself up and do it all over again. I'm going to learn from it all, and grow through the laughter and tears. It's going to be one hell of a wild, wild ride.
From the bottom of my tired, tired little heart, I thank you. For reading this blog, for sticking with me, for allowing me to do these silly little things called writing and life. I have no idea what will happen next, but I'm sure it will be something exciting. Groovy, even.
And to my family and friends? There are no words. You've left the most talkative of girls speechless. Even at my very lowest, I've never felt luckier.
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